Do you believe in God?

Back Story:

I get asked the question about Christianity quite a bit. As with everything I've written to date, there's a back story.

From age 0 - 7 I was dragged to church (kicking and screaming) by my grandmother. My mom and dad weren't church goers. So, when we moved a little further from my grandparents, I never had to go to church.

By age 8, I had found a decent church within walking distance and would go every Sunday (on my own). I really enjoyed reading the Bible. Over the years I've read it cover to cover probably 6 or 7 times.

I even thought, for a short time, that I might go into the ministry.

I began to realize that I found contradiction between what came out of the mouths of those behind the pulpit and what was actually written in black and white. And when things didn't quite add up, the minister would turn to the original text and try interpreting from there.

The only problem with that is, I could barely trust their interpretation of the English version, how could I trust their interpretation of a completely different language?

My job in the Army actually was a Chaplain's Assistant. While the cool part of my job was that, I learned all of the skills of a body guard (since Chaplains themselves could not carry weapons), the peace time part of my job was as a provider for the multitude of religions represented within my unit.

I gained a lot of perspective about different people, how they worship and how they differ in what they believe (even within the same subset of religion).

It always amazed me how different people can read the same thing and come out with a completely different understanding than one another.

Differing opinions:

I've talked a little bit about Mac and how I feel that we are perfect for one another. We have a very strong bond emotionally. It actually allows us to have differing opinions and beliefs but still function.

As an instance, he goes to church every Sunday. Though I used to go with him, I stopped after a while because, I felt I was living a lie. I could tell that it bothered him a little bit that I was no longer willing to share in that experience with him. I think he took it personally at first.

It took me a while before I was really ready to explain it to him in a way that made sense but didn't sound belittling. After all, I admire that he has faith in God. I simply don't. All of those years when I went to church it was an attempt to find something to believe in. It took me to the age of 28 to really figure out that I was never going to have the one requirement of any religion, blind faith.

Do I believe that there's a God (or possibly even Gods)? Not exactly. I fall more under the belief that it's possible that there is a God but, (if there is a God) no human will ever scratch the surface of understanding the divine and to attempt to is pure futility.

We don't need to understand it to live or to die. There is nothing that we can say or do today that will 100% guaranty that there is an after life, let alone that can ensure us a peaceful one in any interpretation of Heaven. We are all simply too human to have any control over that.

I'm a hypocrite:

If I'm going to be transparent to all of you, I need to make this clear and hope that you can forgive me for this. From time to time, when I debate anything religious in nature, I will take it from the view point of someone who is religious.

In general, the majority of my friends don't know for sure what I believe. Some assume me to be atheist and some assume me to be Christian. The reason for this is simply because, when I debate physical and social issues, I do so using the language of the person I am debating. I tend to find for the most part, those who differ with my thoughts in this area tend to be very religious. So I speak on that level.

I've also been known to take a stance on something simply because it is the opposite stance as someone who brought the issue up, even if I actually happen to agree with them. I do this when I feel the need for a creative discussion that stimulates thought or when I feel like I need to know why they have that thought.

Closing:

If you are not more confused now than you were when you began reading this, you probably read it wrong. So I'll sum it all up and wrap it in a pretty gay bow. I struggle daily with what I believe as far as God goes. The reason I struggle is more to do with my belief in the flaws of man. There are days that I believe we were created by some sort of higher power and days when I think, "well how did that higher power come into existence?". One thing I do believe for sure is, there is no right religion currently practiced by man. I envy those who have found solid faith in their higher power but, I doubt I ever will.

God, if you're reading this, do you need a software engineer? Because, when I die, I'm going to need a job.

Until next time, I'm way OUT!