Life is Random

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Completely Random:

Seriously, as much I think I plan for everything, pretty much randomness ensues. I wonder sometimes how it has been this way but still turned out so well. I am fairly calculating in my actions. I weigh the pros and cons of any drastic action that I feel I need to take, and decide from there. But still, randomness!

The funny thing is, it always seems to work out to my advantage. Don't get me wrong here you've been reading my blog, you know that I've gone through some stuff but, ultimately, everything seems to work itself out. Well, maybe it's more that I find a way to make it work out, the jury is still out on that.

Case and Point:

I am changing the names here, except that Chris's name is actually Chris, the rest of these are too easy to google who they are and I really don't want to invade their privacy, so they all get fake names :-)

After Chris broke up with me (back at FT Hood), I met someone new (Ramon) and we started dating. He happened to be the chief of police of a random small town around Hood.

Ramon lived in Austin officially but kept an apartment near by during the week. He also happened to be an ordained priest of a branch off of Catholicism that is gay affirming.

Through Ramon, I met Drew, an ex priest of the Roman Catholic faith turned realtor. I met Drew only two or three times during the 2 years that Ramon and I were together.

I moved to Austin with Ramon when I got out of the Army. About 6 months after Ramon broke up with me, I started dating a guy named Daryl.

I saw an ad online for a freelance web developer spot. I knew how to build web sites, so I posted for the position.

It just so happened that Drew was the one hiring for it.

Though I didn't know it before this, Daryl was friends with Drew.

When Daryl broke up with me (after 4 years), I broke off contact with most of my gay friends, well, most of my friends in general. I just needed to sit back and rethink my circle of friends.

I still worked for Drew who, if you haven't guessed by now is also gay. Randomly one night, he said "hey, let's all go to Hooters for wings". As a joke we decided it would be fun to go.

I don't know if he knew it or not, but it happened to be the night of Gorilla Queer Bar (GQB) and the chosen destination that night was Hooters. Kind of random hey?

And so the next chapter in my life begins. Hooters is where I met my current partner.

This random chain of events filled with horrible break ups that all left me devastated and in some cases homeless and sleeping on the couches of friends, the horrible treatment from the Army, the bouncing from job to job put me on the path to meet my now and forever love.

If it weren't for all of these absolutely random events in my life, meeting these random people and riding the wave out, there is no possible way that I would ever have been in the place that I am now.

Completely happy. Completely in love. Completely me.

Kind of gives new meaning to the the Rascal Flatts song "God blessed the broken road, that lead me straight to you".

Ah, life! Gotta Love it!

Until next time, I'm still OUT!

Jealousy!

My Best Friend:

All week, I had been thinking about what I should write about next. This morning it became kind of clear.

My best friend, Robbin. She lives almost 3,000 miles away from me and we don't talk as often as we should. But through all of these years we've managed to stay pretty close to one another. Sometimes we will chat/call daily or weekly, other times we can go a few months without more than a "hello, I hope you're doing well". Even still, I know, if I ever needed anything in my life she would do anything that it took to help me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her either. It's kind of the beauty of our friendship.

Why, with all of this distance do we have this kind of friendship? First off, we weren't really all that close growing up, not until our senior year in high school at least. In fact, we probably argued more than anything. Even then, she would jump to my defense when my peers were cruel to me.

Beyond that, during my whole time in the service, whenever I needed to talk to someone, she was always there to let me sob through the phone at her when things had gotten emotionally rough for me.

Today we had a little time to catch up via instant messages. I hadn't told her about this blog yet, so she took a look. Somewhere in the conversation, her brilliant mind spits out the following;

In the great and grand history of our country the one consistent thing has
always been this idea of, "let's see what I can keep my neighbor from doing to keep
them from doing that whole pursuit of happiness thingy".

That phrase sums up exactly what is and has been going on in this country.

Jealousy:

As I think back on my military career it puts a lot of context to her statement. When I entered the Army to begin with, I came in with a rank of E-2 (most start at E-1 and work up). I already had an Army Achievement Medal for some work I had been doing with the recruitment office. In Basic training I earned another rank (E-3).

When I arrived at my first duty station, I was already ahead of most of the people that were fresh out of training. Other soldiers would always ask how I got all of that so quick. My answer was always the same, "attention to detail goes a long way".

I was "that guy". The one who was happy with where I was and understood how to pursue more happiness. That, I feel, is part of why everything happened the way that it did. After all, how can a gay guy be happy? He's not supposed to be in the military. He's not supposed to fish, hunt, drink beer or watch football. Perhaps because I was getting accolades and on a track to move up in the ranks it ticked off the few that had heard that I was gay.

Maybe, I should have taken all of that in as a compliment to my character. Except that, I don't. Had I been a different type of person, my life would have been ruined. Lucky for me, I am the type of person who brushes it off and moves on.

I learned a big lesson during all of this. It's the reason why, today, I am myself. I make no apologies for it. I walk through life proud that I am who I am. I believe that my lifetime will see marriage legal for the LGBT community. I believe that, love will be celebrated over hate and jealousy. I believe the time is now!

Today may end up being a two post day. Lunch break is almost over so I'll need to get back to work, but I have some other thoughts that I will be writing out tonight.

Thanks for reading!

I'm out!

Living off the wall

No Regrets:

I've always gone through life with no regrets. I never really saw the point. In general, I am a pretty happy person. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from really. You can put me in any situation. I can think calmly about how to work my way through it.

I am a puzzle guy and I attack life as if it were one big puzzle to solve. I rarely listen to how someone tells me they solved the puzzle. I like figuring it out for myself.

That is why for me, my past is MY past. I embrace it wholly as part of my journey in solving the big puzzle. I own it all. I own the accomplishments, the mistakes and everything in between.

I continue through each step knowing that, should I make a mistake I will learn from it.

But then, I think back to what got me started on blogging in the first place. It makes me think, "perhaps I don't follow the no regrets thing as closely as I think I do".

Remember in my first post, I talked about having a hard time sleeping and how that was the cause of me beginning this blog to begin with? I kept thinking about things in the past and I couldn't shut it down.

There's still so much more to the journey behind me that I haven't shared. I think there is one issue that I've sort of been avoiding. I don't know if I just haven't found it chronologically to make sense within my time line or if there is a bit of guilt, shame or regret mingled in there.

I think I do have a bit of a regret with it however, I also know for certain that if it weren't for this solitary moment in my life I would not be in the awesome place that I am right now. Seriously, I would not have stayed in Austin and I would never have met the man that I am in eternal love with. As near to perfect as my life is right now, I still can't get that part of my life out of my head. Wondering "what if".

The moment that haunts me:

So, as you are aware (if you've been reading along), I am gay and I was outed by someone to my unit. So, rather than investigate me being gay (because they really couldn't) those in my chain of command, simply put more on my plate than any human could accomplish.

I made a full attempt to complete everything to standard at all times, but fell short on numerous occasions. At first, I didn't want to believe that I was being forced all this extra because they knew I was gay. It wasn't until one of the civilian women in the congregation (remember I was a chaplain's assistant) came up to me one day and literally said, "I pray that one day you will find Jesus".

To which I responded, "What do you mean?".

I was shocked when she said, "Well the chaplain said that you are gay and that you practice Wicca".

Which is actually only half true, so I said "I don't know where he got that idea, but I'm Christian" (which was true at the time) and left it at that. Her jaw dropped and she apologized.

From there, it all just kind of spiraled for me. I mean, here's a Chaplain who is supposed to be providing for the religious needs of the unit, not pushing his on people. Yes, he probably got the idea that I was Wicca from the fact that we had 3 practitioners in our unit who I ordered literature for but that was my job. It would be no different than ordering a Torah for our Jewish soldiers.

I digressed a little by giving you that exchange, but back on point.

So now I'm being given a heap of responsibility and doing my best to accomplish all that I can and failing to complete tasks. This, to the point that I ended up pulling 16 hour days to attempt to keep up because I wanted to be all that I could be. And then knowing the reason for it all, I wanted to prove that they weren't going to put me down.

Ah but they did. It didn't take long for them to find cause to boot me out for being "sub par". I don't even remember the true wording any more. I could have just waited it out and just let it all happen but that was going to be a dishonorable discharge. So, I did my research.

Since the ball was rolling all ready, I couldn't say "you know what I'm gay". Being booted because you admit you are gay actually can be an honorable discharge (at least in the Army at that time). But, trying that once the ball was rolling would not work, they already had me on dishonorable.

So, I did the only other thing I could think of (which prior to was unthinkable). I went Absent With Out Leave (AWOL). Logically speaking (as you know I try to be logical) the discharge for that is a general discharge.

So, it was a chess game for me. I was gone for 3 months and then went to Oklahoma to out process. Simple as that.

I felt and still feel justified in how I handled it. I took the rout that would ultimately be best for me. So why the regret in it all?

Why the regret then:

As I play the whole thing over in my head, I think of what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have never dated guys at all, or at least never soldiers. I could have done what everyone else was doing. Simple anonymous guy on guy action in hotel rooms. But that was never me.

But the biggest part of it is that there are a lot of things that I don't feel justified in.

Currently, there's a big push to end Don't Ask Don't Tell. A fight that I believe in, and I would take up arms but yet, I went AWOL. How can I say that gay soldiers are serving honorably? Even though I know that I did the best that I could with what I was dealt, I took a way out that renders me fairly useless in the fight.

Maybe, just maybe, I should have foreseen that they were going to eventually try to kick me out and claimed gay before they had the chance. I don't know that's not really me though. I'd rather people think that I was a coward than to use my being gay as a crutch.

It's a little bit frustrating to tell the truth. No matter how hard I try to rationalize, I can always think of a hundred different things that I could have done to begin with.

I'll probably never get over it, but there it is.

Now the world knows, this is the single event in my past that has been gnawing at me and forced me to create this blog to begin with.

Til next time, I'm OUT!

Romantically Challenged banner code

Tomorrow is the premier of the new sitcom Romantically Challenged (@RomChallenged) Starring Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano).

If you are as excited as I am and would like to help promote the show by providing the same banner as I have at the top of this blog, just copy and paste the following html into your blog or website.

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Also, remember that in order to count for the ratings, you need to watch the show in real time rather than recording it!
Have fun!

How I came out to my folks

Variations on a theme:

There are two questions that people ask whenever they find out that you're gay.

1. When did you first realize you were gay?
2. Are you out to your family?

I think it's interesting. I sometimes think it's rude. I like to turn those questions around on my straight querents. You know, "does your family know you're straight?" and "when did you first realize you were straight?".

That said, I don't mind answering the questions. For me, question number 1 is sort of tricky (as I feel it is for most of us).

I think I pretty much expressed that in prior posts but I may be able to simplify it a little. When I first started seeing Chris, I still wasn't really sure if I was gay or not. I thought "maybe I'm bi or something".

We didn't have sex at first just, you know, a little PG13 stuff for the first few weeks. It really took me a while to own it.

And to question 2, my parents knew about a year after I figured it out.

Coming out:

So, I've told several different versions of my coming out. Well, not really. I find my coming out to have been fairly boring and uneventful, so I usually start by telling a joke version of coming out and then telling the real version.

I kind of use it as a lesson though. I think people too often think that because I'm gay, everything is different and exciting. It really isn't but, here's the story anyway.

Chris and I were having a small party (a few months after I moved in with him) and my mom happened to call.

There were only guys at this party. Our friend Jerry was talking, very loudly in his high pitched voice. My mom thought it was a girl in the background. I said "no that's just Jerry". Then, jokingly she asks "is Jerry a fairy" (funny, and it rhymes).

We are very honest with one another, so I told her "yes". So then she asks "are you"?

I hadn't planned on coming out to my parents over the phone. I knew it wouldn't effect them much but, out of respect for them, I wanted to do a face to face. I just couldn't lie to her. So, of course, I said "yes".

And then, you know, the thing we all LOVE to hear our parents say "I already knew that, I was just waiting for you to tell me".

Well, I had a party going on so, I didn't really want to take too much time talking about it so I told mom I'd call again tomorrow to talk about it. She says "well, we don't need to talk about it, I'm fine with it but, if you feel like you need to talk about it please do". I freaking love my family.

Of course, I called the next day and said "ok, see if you knew I was gay already, why didn't you tell me that I was gay". And we both had a good laugh. Of course, my mom had already told my dad the night before and he wanted to talk to me about it. He was a little upset that I waited so long to tell them, but was fine after I explained that I wasn't sure about it myself until recently.

I'm out now:

I really think that process helped me in a lot of ways. Today, I pretty much don't care. I tend to lay it all out there. I mean, I'm "out" at work. When we are having an event where spouses are going, I take my partner with me. They all know and love him. When I go to visit my folks I take my partner and his mom with me (my family still lives in NY).

My parents always tought me to be myself. It's kind of been my motto really.

Of course, I didn't extend this outness to the Army. I mean, it was "Don't Ask Don't Tell". It took my ex outing me for all of that drama to begin.

Well, that's that. I do need to get some sleep soon, but just thought I'd put this out there.

Til next time!

Huckabee makes me want to vomit

On Twitter this morning I found a link to this article.

Sometimes I want to scream at the thought process of some people. Here's a point by point.

Don't Ask Don't Tell:
Of the movement to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Huckabee said, "you don't see foot soldiers out there demanding it".

No kidding. That's because if they are out there demanding it, they will be dubbed as gay and investigated and possibly kicked out.
What you fail to understand, Mike, is that there are many soldiers who are gay but are forced to hide the fact.
What you fail to understand is that, there are many soldiers who joined the military not knowing that they are gay (because they are just 18 or 19 years old) but later figure it out and are stuck in something that they agreed to before they had all the facts.

Gay Marriage and Same Sex Unions:
Of same sex civil unions and same sex marriage he said, "You don’t go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want who use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them."

Mike, even people who use drugs, deal drugs, rape murder and are convicted and in prison are allowed to get married. Even child molesters are not stripped of the ability to get married and procreate!

So, to you, gay Americans who want nothing more than to be afforded to same protection under the law that straight Americans take for granted are lower than murderers and child molesters?

We aren't talking about incest or polygamy! Your argument is that you don't want to allow gay marriage because it can lead to other groups wanting to get married?

By your logic then, we should just get rid of marriage all together because, if it weren't for straight marriage, we gay folks would never have wanted to get married.

Yes Mike, you should accommodate my right to enter into a marriage contract with whoever I want to, so long as they are legally able to enter into that contract. By that I mean, so long as they are not bound by another marriage contract, are old enough to enter into contract (by law) and are human.

Gay adoption:
Of gay adoption Huckabee states, "I think this is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family, and always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults. Children are not puppies. This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?"

You're right, Mike! It's not about trying to create statements. It's about the natural human desire to want to have a family. "Family" has NEVER had a basic fundamental definition as far as the human race is concerned. You have all different kinds of families. Single fathers, single mothers, kids who have two families because their parents divorced and remarried and many other combinations.

The fact is, there are many children who are in foster care and orphanages that are simply waiting for a permanent family to care for them.

You have straight couples and in some cases single guys or girls who can't have children of their own that adopt. These kids are adopted into all different "family" styles.

Why must you assume that our motives are any different than the motives of those "straight" people? It is a basic human instinct to desire a family, just ask those kids who don't have one! Not only do you want to deny gay folks the ability to raise a family but you want to deny these kids a proper home because of your hatred for gay America!

The fact is, Mike, if you had your way all of us gays would be sitting on an island somewhere.
I have news for you! We are Americans too! You do not get to decide what is ideal for every human, only what is ideal for yourself. You already have special rights just because you happen to prefer the opposite sex. That is un-American! No special rights should be given to any one group, whether that group is a majority or not!

Conclusion:
Mike Huckabee, you make me want to vomit. In general you are a smart individual. I've heard you make sense on fiscal issues, but when it comes to this, you are flat out narrow minded.

You seem to have an inability to understand that this is not about forcing straight people to believe anything or do anything, it is about allowing us to exercise the same rights and privileges that you take for granted on a daily basis!

The Army and I prt2

Sorting it all out:

After all of that, it was pretty obvious that I needed to figure some things out. It didn't help that, now there was a rumor about me being gay floating around. I really hadn't had the time to consider it for myself and what it all meant. I haven't had a gay date, had sex with a guy or heck, even looked at any gay porn yet.

I already had a lesbian friend in my unit, who I was really close to anyway. I don't know why, she and I just clicked right off the bat when we first met.

I didn't tell her any of this stuff though but she had heard the rumor anyway.

Michelle (that's her name) made it a point to come and talk to me when she heard the rumor. I told her, it was just a rumor and I wasn't sure but, I was really putting some thought to it all.

In my head, I was still thinking about all the things in my past. How when I was younger I gravitated toward the male teachers and I did actually have fantacies of seeing them nude. Or when I would see anything remotely related to sex I would usually be watching the guy more closely. How pr0n with 2 girls and no guy in it never made sense to me and I always fast forwarded it to something else.

Michelle asked if I would want to go to the bar with her. I wasn't old enough to drink but, you just had to be 18 to get in so long as you weren't drinking. I thought about it and said "why not, it's not like anyone is going to force me to do anything that I don't want to do".

At the bar

That Friday we went out to the semi local gay bar. Not many soldiers there but a few I could spot by how they walked and how their hair was cut.

It was actually a really fun night! A lot of guys were staring at me like they were starving and I was the last sandwitch on a lunch tray. That attention was nice, but I still wasn't sure of what all was going on.

I did have a nice long conversation with a guy named Chris. He was also in the Army but he knew he was gay already and had been for some time.

I had things to do in the morning so I called the night fairly early and went home.

Am I a bar fly now?

The next night, Michelle asked me to go back to the bar with her. This time, she was bringing Larry. Larry was another guy in our unit who I was pretty good friends with but didn't know he was gay until just then.

Chris was there again, and laid on a line that I knew was a line but it was cute anyway. "I don't come here often but I was hoping to see you out here again". Brownie points for the compliment, not so much for the transparency of it all. I was confused about my sexuality, not completely stupid!

Ah, but stupid I was. That was the night I decided to ask Chris out on, what was to be the first in many gay dates to come.

First date went well

Our first date was the following Friday. I hadn't been very many places in the surrounding towns of Ft Hood so we took a really nice drive around. We hung out at a park. Browsed the Hastings media store. Stopped for some BBQ.

It was really nice! We ended up capping the evening off at his house (which was off post), where his neighbors (a lesbian couple) and he had a small get together planned so that I could meet some of his friends.

And then, we stayed together for nearly 2 years!

Meanwhile back at the post

Those two years pretty much were hell. Not for the relationship (well, not generally) but for what all was happening on the "work" front.

Don't get me wrong, I was proud to join and proud to serve. I thought I'd do wonderful amazing things. I did everything to task and on time, always.

The soldier myth

Most civilians think that the Army is this well oiled machine forged from hundreds of years of tradition. They think there is a different set of rules and they assume that you signed a contract and took an oath and so on. While that's sort of accurate, there are some deeper issues at play.

How many people at 18, 19 or even 20 years old were actually responsible adults who understood what they wanted or needed in life? I'm purely speculating, it's not that many.

Throughout my time in the Army, I saw more suicide attempts (I was a Chaplain's assistant after all), more people going AWOL, more soldiers as confused as I was about everything in life than I ever thought I would. Most of us viewed the Army as if it were a job. I mean, it kind of was.

You could live wherever you wanted so long as, if called you could be at HQ within 60 minutes. You had a barracks room which you could use how you wanted so long as it was presentable for inspection at any given moment.

You're work day starts at 9 and ends at 5, Monday - Friday. The only exception is that, you were expected to go to Physical Training in the morning (usually at 6 or 7 depending on your unit). Also excepting the fact that I was a Chaplain's Assistant, so that means I worked most Sundays as well.

Where the Army is different than everywhere else is that, you can't just quit and they can't just fire you. You can be 'punished' for your actions in ways that you can't in the civilian world. For instance, should you accidently bounce a check from your personal account and they get wind of it, they can make you paint rocks or mop floors on the weekends.

And then, I was "Outed":

That's right, I was outed by someone in my unit who knew for a fact that I was gay. Actually, most people that I was close to knew, and didn't care. To the rest of them, it was just a rumor. They didn't know for sure.

At any rate, you know how if they don't ask or you don't tell, there's nothing they can do? Well, WRONG. I've had all sorts of stuff happen. From superiors piling humanly impossible things on me to them removing my computer from my office to make it look like I stole it. I'm not kidding. I actually had to drag myself down to CID (Criminal Investigation Division) and beg them to give me a polygraph test and to investigate the missing computer!

I literally went through hell with it all but, I kept my head up. I figured I would try to make sure that I did everything that I could. Maybe I was just being tested or something. I wasn't sure, but I would be damned if I was going to let me being gay be the reason why I couldn't be in the Army any longer.

They tried to court marshall me 2 times and failed!

Disclaimer:

I don't think that the entire Army is like this. This was all down to my unit level. I know soldiers in other units who did not go through this problem at all. That doesn't excuse that fact that there were and probably still are units just like mine.

Ok, time to mow the lawn.

Til next time!

The Army and I prt 1

Decisions, decisions

The year was 1996. I was in 11th grade. I remember that morning clear as day! I walked into my highschool with 30 minutes before my first class. As per my usual routine, I made my way toward the music room to work on the piece I was working on for the New York State Solo Music Association (NYSSMA) tials. When out of the corner of my eye, I notice a soldier standing at a table.

Dressed smartly in his dress greens, he had an air of confidence. Deeply engaged in conversation with one potential recruite. My dad was Army, my grandfather Airforce. It never occured to me that I might join, but seeing the recruiter there speaking with such enthusiasm I thought, maybe I could at least ask some questions.

Until then, I knew I wanted to go to college and study music education. I also knew that paying for college wasn't going to be easy and that the Armed forces had some programs to help with that.

So, I made my way over to talk to the recruiter. He told me about the GI Bill and some other programs that the Army had to offer. I took the summer to think about it, researching, asking my dad about his experiences, calling the recruiter to ask questions here and there.

Finally, I made the decision and 'signed up'.

Don't ask, Don't tell:

Obviously, I am skipping some parts here, I did take an ASVAB test. It was uneventful, except for the fact that I scored higher than 80% of the people who took it nation wide. Was offered the job of "Chaplain's Assistant". Finished up highschool.

Cut to July 1997. So MEPS is where they send you through a physical to ensure that you're ok to ship off to basic training. And then, the ultimate part. There's a brief questionaire that you had to fill out. Some of the questions include.

• Have you ever stolen anything?
• Have you wet the bed regularly since the age of 12?
• Did you ever set animals on fire.

No joke, these are real questions that were on this thing.

Then there was another section all about sexual orientation marked out with a big black "X". Obviously, it was the beginning of "Don't ask Don't tell" and they haven't pushed out new forms yet. In place of answering that question, we were sent to a room to listen to a tape. Which roughly said something like "If you are engaged in homosexual acts or think you might be in the future, you should probably go home". I of course paraphrased this 15 minute long recording/warning.

The problem with Don't Ask Don't Tell:

Remember, this is at a time when I was still a virgin. I assumed I was straight, I even had a girl friend at the time.

Which brings me to the problem with Don't ask Don't Tell. At this poiint in my life, I'm 18 years old. I'm pretty sure that I'm straight but I haven't lived enough to figure myself out. It wasn't until a year later that I lost my virginity (yes, to a girl) and another almost year after that before it dawned on me that I was more interested in her dad than I was her.

These are, for certain, the most uncertain years of our lives, and we are expected to know ourselves fully enough to be able to judge that we aren't going to turn out gay?

I lost my virginity:

It was Christmaseve 1997. I had completed basic training and job training in Ft Jackson, SC. I had gone home for a few weeks and am now in Ft Hood, TX. I had become fairly good friends with one of my fellow soldiers. He and his girlfriend were having Christmaseve dinner with her family. I was invited along.

There, I met her sister. I'll call her Christina (because that's her name, but you don't know her so whatever). I didn't really pay Christina any attention, she was 18 and a senior in highschool. I was 19. We talked a bit. It got real late so her mom said I could crash on the couch and spend Christmas morning with them if I wanted.

I took them up on the offer.

I was awoken at around 1 in the morning to, what Ron White calls "a mouth hug" (I just call it oral), and it advanced from there. Christmas 1997 is the day I lost my virginity. Kind of cool and exciting. And we dated for 6 months.

She said what?

I won't go into all of the gory details but Christina was seriously controlling. She had her views of what relationships were and were not. I think I stuck around so long out of loyalty than out of lust or love. The 4th time she said "we should break up, no I take it back" I just let it go and moved on.

She called my roommate and told him that I ws gay. Seriously, I hadn't given any real thought to the fact. Everyone in highschool said that about me (as I explained in my earlier posts) but somehow coming from her, made me think about it. Over the years, how many guys have I looked at just a little too long? And then I remembered that, I always had some sort of strange attraction to guys but never really considered dating them an option.

My roommate asked if it were true, and I thought about it all. Finally I said, "you know what? I really don't know yet".

He was really cool though, "I don't care if you're gay or not, I'd just like to know". And he really didn't care at all, but I really didn't know yet.

So Confusing:

Needless to say, this was a very confusing time in my life. Next post, I'll talk about the when, why and how it became unconfusing. I'll probably talk about my first boyfriend too. Not sure yet, I guess we will all just have to stay tuned.

That river in Egypt

Growing up in Denial:

I never quite got the sense that there was anything different about me. Well, other than the fact that I did all the typical "gay" things as a kid and not very many of the "normal guy" things.

I was in chorus, drama and even wrote for the school literary arts magazine (poetry mostly). You can imagine the taunts. I was called everything from a big girl to a queer.

Things that didn't help my cause much? Well, in 11th grade I had one of the best Social Studies teachers ever (Mr. Lynn). We had a standing assignment. Every Friday we were to have ready a current event from that week and our opinion about that event which we would talk about out loud to the class.

It just so happened that in the state of NY at the time, there were a lot of items in the news about women's rights, gay rights and quite a few other social issues. Even still, thinking I was straight, I would always take the stance that gays should be able to have weddings legally.

Picking the fight

After the first time I did an assignment like that, I think I sought them out more often. I got a real charge out of having a different opinion than everyone else and being able to express it. I still do actually.

It's that charge that made me feel alive. It wasn't really the substance of it all. It was the fact that I had the ability to speak in terms of logic, law and founding documents where the rest of my peers resorted to "that's dumb" and "you're gay" as a defense for their opinion.

But again, at that point in my life, I was straight (well, a virgin but they can be straight right)?

Egypt, it's in the Bible too:

There is that other thing that plays a bit of a factor here too. My parents didn't go to church but I did. Every Sunday, I woke up and walked a mile to church, and then walked a mile back after it was over.

Of course, everyone likes to quote scripture when battling against gay rights. It was the same in school too. Even as a child and a Christian, I understood that debates on government policy and law can never use the Bible as evidence. Even though, obviously, it is used by adults to this day. I really never understood how this basic fundimental can be lost on grown people. I never really understood why there weren't people trying to outlaw cheese burgers since the Bible pretty much said you can't eat those either.

Spoiler alert:

So, I do need to tend to my offline life as well. I think between this post and my last one, you have a basic understanding of what types of things are running through my mind, and how I grew up.

Next time, I'll talk about my time in the Army a little bit and how I lost my virginity. I waited a whole 19 years (unheard of right?). I will have several stories about my Army life in the future because, a lot happened. It's where I really came to know myself.

Until next time!

The beginning

Introduction:

So, I'm not really a stranger to blogging. I've written reviews of everything from software to movies to music events I've attended and so on.

I've created this blog separately for several reasons but, I wanted to tell the story sort of from the beginning.

Last Week:

I couldn't sleep. I don't quite know what it was but, things just kept popping into my head. The more I tried to focus on my breathing or some distant noise in order to get to sleep, the more my brain said, "no, you are going to think about this".

What thoughts were going through my head? Well, it was kind of like I was playing my whole life over and over again in my head. I realized that, most of these were pretty deep and heavy unresolved issues. Some were just random good things that have come up in my life but mostly areas of conflict.

The suspense is killing me:

There are a few things you will need to know about me before getting into this all.

First, I do not write this blog under my real name. Edward is my middle name and Davis is the last name of the person I call dad. We, obviously, do not share the same last name.

Second, I am gay. Some of the biggest points of conflict in my life came about during the time I was discovering this fact which happened to be while I was in the Army. So you can imagine what some of these writings are going to consist of. I'll keep it clean though :-)

Conclusion:

Ok, so there you have it. What will follow in the coming days are some of the accounts of my past and how I grew to be a wonderful human being!
Enjoy!