Segregating the gays from the straights

A friend of mine asked me this today on facebook regarding the recent decisions about Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT).

What is your take on the talk about the whole "thorny issues" coming up since the DADT....like talk of segregating gays from straights in bunks/showers??? WTF? This is going to get way worse before it gets better. How do we stop this?

I quickly shot off an answer:

Wow, deep question. I think it's healthy to have "talks" about how to handle those issues. I try to think about what it would be like if I were straight. I mean, it is one thing to accept, respect and promote equality. It's a whole other thing when you're naked in the showers with one another. Most guys don't want other guys seeing their 'junk' gay or not. I can agree with showers having partitions between the shower heads that only makes sense, even now. But sleeping quarters? not needed. You don't sleep naked or anything.

 The truth is, before I was asked, I really hadn't given it much thought. I always assume that people are going to argue their point, express what they believe and so on. Why not? This is America, this is what our soldiers fight for, right?

So, do these discussions really matter?

Of course they do. It's a given that a lot of dumb things will be said here and there out of ignorance, fear or political agenda. We need to hear it. We need to know what they are saying and thinking so that we can fully arm ourselves against these sorts of blanket allegations.

Yes, they are slandering our community. They are making it sound like all that we do is look at the straight ones in the shower and maybe we'd rape them and all of that craziness. Because, as we all know, there aren't any gay folks in the military right now!

Do we need to shut these people up? No, not really. Not at all. Engage them in conversation, explain things on their level.

Here's my take on the whole thing.

How can you segregate gays in a way that makes sense? The reason, presumably, that men and women are segregated in the military is that they don't want to put people in the same area as potential 'mates'. So, if we put only gays with one another and only lesbians with one another what then do you think is supposed to happen? Now, as a man, I would be in a whole barracks full of other gay men. These would be, for the sake of this argument, my potential mates.

I haven't even yet skirted on what is the true heart of the matter. When I was in the Army, my unit and I formed a bond. We worked together daily as a unit, as a family. Our bond was like a sibling-hood.

I remember once having a friend in the unit (married straight guy) approach me wanting some 'friend sex'. I don't know, the whole thing really irked me a bit. I mean, he was handsome and a really nice guy, certainly someone under other circumstances I might have considered dating. But then and there? He was like family to me. To have allowed it to escalate to anything beyond our unit bond would have been deplorable on my part.

So the question is, what will happen when gays are allowed to serve in the military? The answer is simple, everything will remain the same except that our LGBT folks who are serving now will not be kicked out simply because of who they love.

If it will make you feel safe, by all means, put up partitions in the showers (that should have been done a long time ago anyway) but there's really no need at all to segregate us into different barracks. That makes as much sense as saying that a brother and a sister shouldn't live in the same house together.

Well, that's my two cents on the matter, love it or leave it.

Until next time, I'm OUT!

Joe Solmonese - HRC

In the news:

"We are on the brink of historic action to both strengthen our military and respect the service of lesbian and gay troops,” said Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese. “Today’s announcement paves the path to fulfill the President’s call to end ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ this year and puts us one step closer to removing this stain from the laws of our nation." “Without a repeal vote by Congress this year, the Pentagon’s hands are tied and the armed forces will be forced to continue adhering to the discriminatory ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ law,” said Solmonese. “A solution has emerged: Congress needs to vote to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ now.”

The only problem with this, Joe, is that they voted now to possibly, maybe repeal it if the military can finish a study within the year and come up with a plan of action for integration.

All the military has to do is fail in completing one or the other.

So again, Obama left his balls along with his backbone at home in his dresser. Congress shit out some patronizing piece of garbage and you opened your mouth up wide and swallowed the whole load!

And these are our GLBT leaders fighting for our rights! If those soldiers you just compromised did their job the way that you do yours, we would have been colonized by the Middle East by now!

I grant you, Joe, you are not all powerful and you can't do it all. But then you release shit like this in support of a compromise? Come on, you're supposed to be OUR mouth piece not theirs.

We are screaming for repeal now, not repeal maybe later if you happen to feel like it. You should be echoing the same!

I was literally moved to tears

This afternoon:

I tend to think of myself as a fairly level headed kind of guy. I have feelings and passion but, I am rarely (if ever) moved to tears. This afternoon I posted a picture that truly did move me to tears. Even as I type this now I find myself welling up a bit.

The events of the last few months surrounding "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and an all inclusive Employee Non Discrimination Act. Couple these with gay marriage issues. All of these hit home and they hit home hard. I am moved, not by the struggle itself but, by the overwhelming support that I have from friends, family and yes even co-workers.

A co-worker who has no vested interest at all in either of these struggles and a male co-worker at that. How awesome and powerful this world is that we have people like this. Somehow gives me hope in our future.

The picture:

This picture was certainly worth a billion words. I imagined it being a high school function. The power behind what our youth are doing strikes a nerve.

This image speaks to the very heart of the matter. If it weren't for the fact that there is bigotry in our schools, families, churches and in our own government there would be no need for these demonstrations.

The thought moved me so much that I had to write about it. I was not at a computer and doing the research on my iPhone was proving to be a difficult task so, I put out a call to my friends and fans in that post, on twitter and on facebook.

The outpouring of people who rushed to help find the information was absolutely amazing. It spoke to the fact that I was not the only one moved by this photo. Jay (http://www.jaysays.com/) also took on the search. His followers helped to find out where it really came from. And so the information trickled back to me.

And now I know where it really came from.

On April 16, 2010 at World's Fair Park in Knoxville, TN these K-12 students gathered for an annual event called "Breaking the Silence". The earliest post of this picture (with comments) is located on flicker at http://www.flickr.com/photos/75001512@N00/4550427537

There is hope for us yet!

until next time, I'm OUT!

A picture is worth a thousand words

The Gay Struggle:

A co-worker of mine forwarded this picture to me. It was not attached to a story. I wish I knew the background of this photo.


If you know, please let me know!


The reason I felt the need to share this with you all is a simple one.


From 1 single act, the act of announcing to the world who we are, we end one struggle only to begin another.

We struggle, at first with who we are as individuals. We struggle with what the world thinks of us. We struggle with what God might think of us. We struggle with friends trying to set us up on dates with people that we know we will never have an interest in. We struggle to find a definition of what we are.

We try to rationalize and justify thinking to ourselves, "maybe this thing that I have is just a phase".

It takes a lot of courage to be honest with yourself.

At least for me, these are the feelings that I had before I came out. I wondered what my family and friends would think. I wondered if it really mattered if I hid it all or not.

Once we come out (once I came out), I found a lot of support with my real friends and with my family. Some of us are not so lucky.

I have friends who's families completely disowned them. Their fathers deny their existence, their mothers call to lecture them, to shame them, to guilt them.

As a group, we go through a lot. It's difficult to tune it all out. From the pulpit of the church, the soap box of the media and the lack of protection of/from our government.

We are treated as lesser beings. We are protested and picketed against and our government sits up on a mountain top denying us access to some of the most basic rights and protections.

You want to server in the Army? You want to donate blood? You want to marry your partner? You want domestic partner benefits? You want to give a child who is living in an orphinage a home? Denied, denied, denied, denied and denied!

The time has come for everyone to be treated as equals. We constantly call ourselves an equal nation. If even 1 person/group is treated with a different set of standards, how can we ever truly be equal?

Life is Random

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Completely Random:

Seriously, as much I think I plan for everything, pretty much randomness ensues. I wonder sometimes how it has been this way but still turned out so well. I am fairly calculating in my actions. I weigh the pros and cons of any drastic action that I feel I need to take, and decide from there. But still, randomness!

The funny thing is, it always seems to work out to my advantage. Don't get me wrong here you've been reading my blog, you know that I've gone through some stuff but, ultimately, everything seems to work itself out. Well, maybe it's more that I find a way to make it work out, the jury is still out on that.

Case and Point:

I am changing the names here, except that Chris's name is actually Chris, the rest of these are too easy to google who they are and I really don't want to invade their privacy, so they all get fake names :-)

After Chris broke up with me (back at FT Hood), I met someone new (Ramon) and we started dating. He happened to be the chief of police of a random small town around Hood.

Ramon lived in Austin officially but kept an apartment near by during the week. He also happened to be an ordained priest of a branch off of Catholicism that is gay affirming.

Through Ramon, I met Drew, an ex priest of the Roman Catholic faith turned realtor. I met Drew only two or three times during the 2 years that Ramon and I were together.

I moved to Austin with Ramon when I got out of the Army. About 6 months after Ramon broke up with me, I started dating a guy named Daryl.

I saw an ad online for a freelance web developer spot. I knew how to build web sites, so I posted for the position.

It just so happened that Drew was the one hiring for it.

Though I didn't know it before this, Daryl was friends with Drew.

When Daryl broke up with me (after 4 years), I broke off contact with most of my gay friends, well, most of my friends in general. I just needed to sit back and rethink my circle of friends.

I still worked for Drew who, if you haven't guessed by now is also gay. Randomly one night, he said "hey, let's all go to Hooters for wings". As a joke we decided it would be fun to go.

I don't know if he knew it or not, but it happened to be the night of Gorilla Queer Bar (GQB) and the chosen destination that night was Hooters. Kind of random hey?

And so the next chapter in my life begins. Hooters is where I met my current partner.

This random chain of events filled with horrible break ups that all left me devastated and in some cases homeless and sleeping on the couches of friends, the horrible treatment from the Army, the bouncing from job to job put me on the path to meet my now and forever love.

If it weren't for all of these absolutely random events in my life, meeting these random people and riding the wave out, there is no possible way that I would ever have been in the place that I am now.

Completely happy. Completely in love. Completely me.

Kind of gives new meaning to the the Rascal Flatts song "God blessed the broken road, that lead me straight to you".

Ah, life! Gotta Love it!

Until next time, I'm still OUT!

Jealousy!

My Best Friend:

All week, I had been thinking about what I should write about next. This morning it became kind of clear.

My best friend, Robbin. She lives almost 3,000 miles away from me and we don't talk as often as we should. But through all of these years we've managed to stay pretty close to one another. Sometimes we will chat/call daily or weekly, other times we can go a few months without more than a "hello, I hope you're doing well". Even still, I know, if I ever needed anything in my life she would do anything that it took to help me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her either. It's kind of the beauty of our friendship.

Why, with all of this distance do we have this kind of friendship? First off, we weren't really all that close growing up, not until our senior year in high school at least. In fact, we probably argued more than anything. Even then, she would jump to my defense when my peers were cruel to me.

Beyond that, during my whole time in the service, whenever I needed to talk to someone, she was always there to let me sob through the phone at her when things had gotten emotionally rough for me.

Today we had a little time to catch up via instant messages. I hadn't told her about this blog yet, so she took a look. Somewhere in the conversation, her brilliant mind spits out the following;

In the great and grand history of our country the one consistent thing has
always been this idea of, "let's see what I can keep my neighbor from doing to keep
them from doing that whole pursuit of happiness thingy".

That phrase sums up exactly what is and has been going on in this country.

Jealousy:

As I think back on my military career it puts a lot of context to her statement. When I entered the Army to begin with, I came in with a rank of E-2 (most start at E-1 and work up). I already had an Army Achievement Medal for some work I had been doing with the recruitment office. In Basic training I earned another rank (E-3).

When I arrived at my first duty station, I was already ahead of most of the people that were fresh out of training. Other soldiers would always ask how I got all of that so quick. My answer was always the same, "attention to detail goes a long way".

I was "that guy". The one who was happy with where I was and understood how to pursue more happiness. That, I feel, is part of why everything happened the way that it did. After all, how can a gay guy be happy? He's not supposed to be in the military. He's not supposed to fish, hunt, drink beer or watch football. Perhaps because I was getting accolades and on a track to move up in the ranks it ticked off the few that had heard that I was gay.

Maybe, I should have taken all of that in as a compliment to my character. Except that, I don't. Had I been a different type of person, my life would have been ruined. Lucky for me, I am the type of person who brushes it off and moves on.

I learned a big lesson during all of this. It's the reason why, today, I am myself. I make no apologies for it. I walk through life proud that I am who I am. I believe that my lifetime will see marriage legal for the LGBT community. I believe that, love will be celebrated over hate and jealousy. I believe the time is now!

Today may end up being a two post day. Lunch break is almost over so I'll need to get back to work, but I have some other thoughts that I will be writing out tonight.

Thanks for reading!

I'm out!

Living off the wall

No Regrets:

I've always gone through life with no regrets. I never really saw the point. In general, I am a pretty happy person. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from really. You can put me in any situation. I can think calmly about how to work my way through it.

I am a puzzle guy and I attack life as if it were one big puzzle to solve. I rarely listen to how someone tells me they solved the puzzle. I like figuring it out for myself.

That is why for me, my past is MY past. I embrace it wholly as part of my journey in solving the big puzzle. I own it all. I own the accomplishments, the mistakes and everything in between.

I continue through each step knowing that, should I make a mistake I will learn from it.

But then, I think back to what got me started on blogging in the first place. It makes me think, "perhaps I don't follow the no regrets thing as closely as I think I do".

Remember in my first post, I talked about having a hard time sleeping and how that was the cause of me beginning this blog to begin with? I kept thinking about things in the past and I couldn't shut it down.

There's still so much more to the journey behind me that I haven't shared. I think there is one issue that I've sort of been avoiding. I don't know if I just haven't found it chronologically to make sense within my time line or if there is a bit of guilt, shame or regret mingled in there.

I think I do have a bit of a regret with it however, I also know for certain that if it weren't for this solitary moment in my life I would not be in the awesome place that I am right now. Seriously, I would not have stayed in Austin and I would never have met the man that I am in eternal love with. As near to perfect as my life is right now, I still can't get that part of my life out of my head. Wondering "what if".

The moment that haunts me:

So, as you are aware (if you've been reading along), I am gay and I was outed by someone to my unit. So, rather than investigate me being gay (because they really couldn't) those in my chain of command, simply put more on my plate than any human could accomplish.

I made a full attempt to complete everything to standard at all times, but fell short on numerous occasions. At first, I didn't want to believe that I was being forced all this extra because they knew I was gay. It wasn't until one of the civilian women in the congregation (remember I was a chaplain's assistant) came up to me one day and literally said, "I pray that one day you will find Jesus".

To which I responded, "What do you mean?".

I was shocked when she said, "Well the chaplain said that you are gay and that you practice Wicca".

Which is actually only half true, so I said "I don't know where he got that idea, but I'm Christian" (which was true at the time) and left it at that. Her jaw dropped and she apologized.

From there, it all just kind of spiraled for me. I mean, here's a Chaplain who is supposed to be providing for the religious needs of the unit, not pushing his on people. Yes, he probably got the idea that I was Wicca from the fact that we had 3 practitioners in our unit who I ordered literature for but that was my job. It would be no different than ordering a Torah for our Jewish soldiers.

I digressed a little by giving you that exchange, but back on point.

So now I'm being given a heap of responsibility and doing my best to accomplish all that I can and failing to complete tasks. This, to the point that I ended up pulling 16 hour days to attempt to keep up because I wanted to be all that I could be. And then knowing the reason for it all, I wanted to prove that they weren't going to put me down.

Ah but they did. It didn't take long for them to find cause to boot me out for being "sub par". I don't even remember the true wording any more. I could have just waited it out and just let it all happen but that was going to be a dishonorable discharge. So, I did my research.

Since the ball was rolling all ready, I couldn't say "you know what I'm gay". Being booted because you admit you are gay actually can be an honorable discharge (at least in the Army at that time). But, trying that once the ball was rolling would not work, they already had me on dishonorable.

So, I did the only other thing I could think of (which prior to was unthinkable). I went Absent With Out Leave (AWOL). Logically speaking (as you know I try to be logical) the discharge for that is a general discharge.

So, it was a chess game for me. I was gone for 3 months and then went to Oklahoma to out process. Simple as that.

I felt and still feel justified in how I handled it. I took the rout that would ultimately be best for me. So why the regret in it all?

Why the regret then:

As I play the whole thing over in my head, I think of what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have never dated guys at all, or at least never soldiers. I could have done what everyone else was doing. Simple anonymous guy on guy action in hotel rooms. But that was never me.

But the biggest part of it is that there are a lot of things that I don't feel justified in.

Currently, there's a big push to end Don't Ask Don't Tell. A fight that I believe in, and I would take up arms but yet, I went AWOL. How can I say that gay soldiers are serving honorably? Even though I know that I did the best that I could with what I was dealt, I took a way out that renders me fairly useless in the fight.

Maybe, just maybe, I should have foreseen that they were going to eventually try to kick me out and claimed gay before they had the chance. I don't know that's not really me though. I'd rather people think that I was a coward than to use my being gay as a crutch.

It's a little bit frustrating to tell the truth. No matter how hard I try to rationalize, I can always think of a hundred different things that I could have done to begin with.

I'll probably never get over it, but there it is.

Now the world knows, this is the single event in my past that has been gnawing at me and forced me to create this blog to begin with.

Til next time, I'm OUT!

How I came out to my folks

Variations on a theme:

There are two questions that people ask whenever they find out that you're gay.

1. When did you first realize you were gay?
2. Are you out to your family?

I think it's interesting. I sometimes think it's rude. I like to turn those questions around on my straight querents. You know, "does your family know you're straight?" and "when did you first realize you were straight?".

That said, I don't mind answering the questions. For me, question number 1 is sort of tricky (as I feel it is for most of us).

I think I pretty much expressed that in prior posts but I may be able to simplify it a little. When I first started seeing Chris, I still wasn't really sure if I was gay or not. I thought "maybe I'm bi or something".

We didn't have sex at first just, you know, a little PG13 stuff for the first few weeks. It really took me a while to own it.

And to question 2, my parents knew about a year after I figured it out.

Coming out:

So, I've told several different versions of my coming out. Well, not really. I find my coming out to have been fairly boring and uneventful, so I usually start by telling a joke version of coming out and then telling the real version.

I kind of use it as a lesson though. I think people too often think that because I'm gay, everything is different and exciting. It really isn't but, here's the story anyway.

Chris and I were having a small party (a few months after I moved in with him) and my mom happened to call.

There were only guys at this party. Our friend Jerry was talking, very loudly in his high pitched voice. My mom thought it was a girl in the background. I said "no that's just Jerry". Then, jokingly she asks "is Jerry a fairy" (funny, and it rhymes).

We are very honest with one another, so I told her "yes". So then she asks "are you"?

I hadn't planned on coming out to my parents over the phone. I knew it wouldn't effect them much but, out of respect for them, I wanted to do a face to face. I just couldn't lie to her. So, of course, I said "yes".

And then, you know, the thing we all LOVE to hear our parents say "I already knew that, I was just waiting for you to tell me".

Well, I had a party going on so, I didn't really want to take too much time talking about it so I told mom I'd call again tomorrow to talk about it. She says "well, we don't need to talk about it, I'm fine with it but, if you feel like you need to talk about it please do". I freaking love my family.

Of course, I called the next day and said "ok, see if you knew I was gay already, why didn't you tell me that I was gay". And we both had a good laugh. Of course, my mom had already told my dad the night before and he wanted to talk to me about it. He was a little upset that I waited so long to tell them, but was fine after I explained that I wasn't sure about it myself until recently.

I'm out now:

I really think that process helped me in a lot of ways. Today, I pretty much don't care. I tend to lay it all out there. I mean, I'm "out" at work. When we are having an event where spouses are going, I take my partner with me. They all know and love him. When I go to visit my folks I take my partner and his mom with me (my family still lives in NY).

My parents always tought me to be myself. It's kind of been my motto really.

Of course, I didn't extend this outness to the Army. I mean, it was "Don't Ask Don't Tell". It took my ex outing me for all of that drama to begin.

Well, that's that. I do need to get some sleep soon, but just thought I'd put this out there.

Til next time!